Yesterday we had an early breakfast and headed out to Juna Bazaar. I would describe this as a flea market. I want to go back when the women are gone so i can experience it in a more relaxed way. It was my favorite place to shop so far. People just set their items out on blankets and you could poke around and barter on prices. It was definitely in the slums. I will get better photographs when i go back but as it was i could hardly do much else but be there. Women had saris and clothes and the ladies in our group jumped right in and bought plenty of stuff. There were kids running round and we brought a huge bag of candy to hand out. Toward the end of our time there when we were loading up to head to lunch we gave what was left of the bag to one boy and asked him to share with his friends. Amidst getting all the women in the ricks and sending them off, missing a couple and doing a mini search party for them, I witnessed this little boy handing out the candy to his friends and then going out into the market and giving it all away to everyone who wanted some. I was impressed by that. He went out and shared happily something he probably eats very little of and could have kept for himself. I gave him a couple ten rupee notes. Noticing. People deserved to be noticed for the little things they do. For everything they do.
We went to lunch and then came back to Liberty and had sari dress up with the women. They also had the opportunity to buy quilts and throws and scarves that Deborah had made. Hardly any of them bought which i couldnt believe. these things are gorgeous and not only that, but they gave some less fortunate women some steady work that they would not have had. She has such a big heart. Her motivation behind having them made comes from her awareness that being here, she can give to these people by giving them jobs. She bought the used saris from the women at Juna Bazaar, paying more than they would have gotten from Indians, She paid the taylor who designed them and sewed them. and she paid the women who lived on the street that hand stitched them all together. Its rich.
This morning one of the women was complaining about the ants that are in her bathroom. And she was kind of angry about it. I think this has me upset today. I have been welling up all day and waiting for an opportunity to release. Its such an entitled perspective. These women are lovely, but they are all either half, or completely asleep. Its difficult and it is a lot of energy each day working around and with them. This particular woman has been up in arms about the accommodations from the beginning. Saying Deborah should have prepared them for what it would be like here and where they would be staying. So the showers are a little weird, and there are ants sometimes if you leave your food out and the street dogs poop wherever they want and the electricity sometimes goes out. Hello, you are in India! Its unbelievable. And so entitled and it hits me. Deborah has gone above and beyond and then some to make these women comfortable. People do not live like that here. They are living like queens right now. But they came here with some kind of expectations which are not being met and could never have been met. How do you not understand that you are coming to a place like India, and you expect to have everything like home? Why would you expect that. Why would you not prepare yourself? Furthermore how can you not understand that it is your own responsibility. But she wont. She wont ever see that they way she feels right now, her suffering, is completely her responsibility. So she blames Deborah and is throwing her charge on her. And that breaks my heart. Because she cant see how phenomenal Deborah is through that. Just the outright lack of awareness and appreciation. The perspective. The beauty that is actually here. the opportunity to see in a whole new way. A whole new amazing way! And she wont. And i am having the hardest time finding approval for her for where she is at. And today my tolerance does not exist and i am longing to retreat into a bubble that is protected from them sucking my energy. My introverted self needs to be recharged
I just cant tolerate this kind of person close in my life anymore. And this is a huge dose of it. Being here has changed me. In many ways. Being completely open to this group of people and finding myself hugely aware of who out of them feed me and who out of them feed from me. And i cant help but think about the people in my life at home, people i give my time and self too, people who are hard to find. And the
stark contrast between them and people who are on the same path as i am. I can choose the people i am fully open to, i can recognize them now. that was given to me here. And for the rest, i have found a boundary and i give myself complete permission and approval to let them in only as far as it feels good. I can be in approval of where they are at but i do not have to participate in any way, or subject myself even to exposure to that if i don't want to.
Unwilling to look at things, really look and see whats actually there. people who dump all the responsibility where it has no business and who are entitled with it and find it not only acceptable, but demand that its where it belongs. People who are selfish, but dont look at what they are taking and needing and asking. people who have their perspective fixed only on the surface of themselves and are unwilling to look below, to find the story and to work to release it and get free.
Life is an experience. everything else is just a concept.
and in india the ants are considered a sign of good fortune and prosperity if they are in your home.
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